So drunk its hurt
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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