My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
