You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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