My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
