I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
