I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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