the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
