I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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