I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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