saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize