So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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