I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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