I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
