I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
