We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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