There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
