i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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