I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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