my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
