dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
