doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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