i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
