I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
