In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
All the doctor said was why
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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