I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
