My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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