I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
