she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize