If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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