As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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