my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Randomize
