I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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