I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
