I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My vagina is very pro this idea
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
