it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
