i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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