If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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