we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The air was thick with penises
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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