my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
