just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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