how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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