when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
