My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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