Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
