imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
