Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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