My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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