He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize
