so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
