i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize