not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
