dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
