I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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