I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
