I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
