Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
