Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I faked an abortion last night.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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