Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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