Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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