Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
